He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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