Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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