Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
