What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
