Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
