Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
