She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
