turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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