Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
This toilet bowl is my home.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
