Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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