none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
