I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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