Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
