Just fell off a train. Bad.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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