I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize