peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Randomize
