I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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