If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry about my life...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
