I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize