I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
