Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
