My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
