Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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