Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
