Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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