ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
