The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
