just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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