Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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