Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
