I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
