I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
