The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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