I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
