for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
