How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
ugly people sure do ruin things
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
