I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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