Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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