I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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