Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just pee around me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
