I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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