so explain again why im purple
no
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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