i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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