Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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