I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
