Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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