i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
