Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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