Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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