It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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