After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
