I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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