it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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