It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
