If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
