Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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