I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
