census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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