I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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