My first STD was from a foam party
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
