Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
