I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
