So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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