i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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