Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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