Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
