I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
