there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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