Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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