Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sobbing to NWA
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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